Anyone for Seconds?

Secondary Infertility is the name of the game. Who wants to play? A TTC blog of internal torture.

 

 

 
Saturday, September 30, 2006
What to buy, what to spend....
So I've been browsing on e-bay and other places for things that I no longer posses or never possessed but wouldn't mind owning. One of the things that I desire is a convertible pram. Have you ever seen these things? They are like toy baby carriages. Beautiful and comfy looking. Just the sort of ride I'd want to have if I were an infant with no muscle control. I'm thinking of a bright red one as it's good for both genders or maybe gray, although gray makes me feel like I should be wearing black lipstick and putting a "Nightmare before Christmas" mobile up over the frightening, spindly black crib with gray bedding and a stuffed spider. *Shudder* Just a bit too Tim Burton for me. Anyway, it is possible to find cheaper prams that turn into strollers as that all-important neck control develops but being out of the loop I'm not sure if it is a reasonable desire or just me living in dream land. I also wanted, at one time, a round crib but that has run it's course. Now it's really all about the pram. I haven't gotten any farther than that. Although I do really want a babybjorn. I've seen pictures and they are darn cute. The pictures, anyway.
posted by The Writer 5:24 PM   2 comments
 
2 Comments:
  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    LOVE my Bjorn! SO comfy to carry babs in! Pram.. have you found one that will fit in your trunk??? We considered them for a nanosecond till we realized that we'd only be able to use it at home as it wouldn't fit in our car..........

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    Actually, the nice one I looked at folds down enough to fit in my trunk with room to spare.

    It's quite a steal. Now to talk the spouse into it!

     
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Monday, September 25, 2006
Just FYI...
The ultrasound is scheduled for Oct. 4th.

Thought you might like to know.
posted by The Writer 10:14 PM   4 comments
 
4 Comments:
  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger Alli said…

    WOW! You are pregnant, girl! Dig out those maternity pants and break out the ice cream! :)

     
  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger LifeIsGood said…

    This background makes my eyes hurt.

    Praying for a healthy happy 9 month long pregnancy.... with a different background.

     
  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Hey.. 7 week ultrasound will most likely be vaginal.. still want my company??

     
  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    Hell yes! It's only my goonie-goo-goo. I've seen your boobs enough lately not to care.

    Plus I get that fashionable paper dress thingy so what could be more proper?

     
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Saturday, September 23, 2006
Dipping a toe in the ocean.
We are on the verge of getting our feet wet. We have appointments with the ob scheduled for mid and late October. I almost feel that we are jinxing ourselves by even behaving in the most cautious, remote manner as though we are actually pregnant. I know that all previous tests (of several varieties, I know) point towards there actually being a baby on board but I know in my infinite (foolish, ridiculous, pig-headed, marinating in my own denial) wisdom that it would be folly to assume that it were actually true. It seems so much more likely that whatever symptoms I am currently experiencing are due entirely to something I ate and that my pants are getting tighter because I ate a lot of that something that is causing the aforementioned symptoms. If I seem a little more tired than usual it is because I must be experiencing the same sort of growth spurt that my son is and I will eventually be 5'11" and that will make me thinner and I will suddenly have lovely skin and cheek and collar bones you could cut glass with and I will be offered a lucrative contract to give up solid food and traipse drunkenly down a walkway wearing something hideous that costs more than my car. See? I'm completely in control of the situation. If my period shows up I will be able to point rigidly, even frantically, and say "See? I told you all along! I knew that it was just those strangely flavored refried beans we had that time!" Hah! I can't be fooled! I can't be bamboozled! I know exactly what's going on and I won't be taken in by some silly plastic pee-sticks and some so-called "receptionist" in a doctor's office. These paltry tricks are beneath me. I'm too smart for that.

Yeah.

Ok, so I've lost my mind. I've been wavering back and forth between this insanity and a tentative trust that gives me that feeling you get when you've stuck your neck out and you can feel the whoosh of the axe coming your way. I'm having a hard time even knowing what to say when my husband tries to talk to me about it. Luckily most of the time we've been under the same roof in the last week I've been dead asleep. He's been very gentle with me both physically and emotionally which is a bit different from our usual wrestling and sarcastic, giggly repartee. I think he can see the sad, unfortunate insanity in my eyes. Poor thing. He's probably afraid I'll bean him with the coffee pot if he cracks a joke. Ok. I've purged enough. I'm feeling sufficiently calm enough to go for a walk with my son.

Now, where did I put those new maternity pants........?
posted by The Writer 10:09 AM   1 comments
 
1 Comments:
  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Post like this..... ahhh.. I love you, girl! Very funny.

    And sister, accept it.

    You're pregnant.

    For however long God deems necessary, hopefully another 33 weeks or so.

     
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Friday, September 15, 2006
Up, up and away!
So my original hcg was 61.9 (I double checked, I think I had it wrong) and when they called yesterday morning it came in at 144! Yay!! They said that is really good and God knows I sure feel pregnant!! The downside to that is of course on our little vacation there happen to be several maternity and whatnot stores and they are freakin' everywhere! I started out preaching caution and my wonderful spouse dragged me into every single one of them. I'm sorry to say that no one had to drag me into the fitting rooms or to the cash register. I'm weak, I know. Anyway, feeling super achy all over, little nauseous, and totally exhausted. I am absolutely ecstatic that I have all these strong symptoms because it means I'm PREGNANT!!! I'm still praying every minute that this one sticks and that God continues to watch over our growing family. So, one day at a time, ladies. That goes for all of us.
posted by The Writer 8:20 PM   2 comments
 
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Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Floating along in bizarro land...
So I went for a blood test yesterday at the advice of the OB who saw me during my last little brush with pregnancy and this morning they called me. Pregnant? Yes indeedy. The gave me a number of 61.9 to describe the results of my quantative HCG test. Is that good? It actually kinda is, I guess as at 14 dpo the average amount is about 48 mIU/ml. Of course, all I really care about is that it doubles by tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to deal with all this shock and for some reason I've chosen the boring "if I don't get excited about it and don't discuss it overly it'll stick" philosophy. My adorable spouse came into the bedroom where I was lounging and reading a novel before bed and laid his hand on my belly and said "so, are you excited?" I actually responded with "I'm not going to discuss this" and proceeded to go back to reading my book. He seemed taken aback until I patted the hand he had left on my tummy just before turning the page. He then kissed my hair and, smiling, wandered out of the room to play a game with our wayward son. Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up. What if the number doesn't double? I was a little put out yesterday at that positive test right before we had planned to start the meds. Now I'm somewhat frightened by the idea of another chemical pregnancy and how that would add even more time to the entire process. Is that mercenary? I hope not, yet I can't help but focus somewhat on how frigging long this it taking! I'm tired of playing the charting, BDing, OPking, 2WWing, DPOing CDing, HPTing game. It's a shitty game, worse than Life, or Risk or even scrabble which when played with my mother is a game played without the dimmest hope of even coming within a hundred points of winning. I hate the ideas that have popped into my head during this whole process. Thoughts that I knew then as I know now are silly and stupid and utter nonsense. Thoughts of how every unmarried moron in the world is managing to pop out progeny at an alarming pace but those of us who did things in the correct order are being punished. The list goes on but I'll spare us both. I hate the emotional minefield that spouse and I had to traverse after the last chemical when we had really gotten our hopes up. I hate that we have become, out of necessity, the most secretive people we know. No one knows what is going on in our lives and we are both shitty enough liars that we end up just standing there with nothing to say until the subject changes. I hate that there are moments where I really do feel pregnant and there are moments when I forget that even temporarily that is my new label.

Although, if I can forget something that huge, I must be pregnant.

I'll keep you posted.
posted by The Writer 9:10 PM   1 comments
 
1 Comments:
  • At 12:36 AM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Oh, I SO hope your bloated and sick feeling right now. I hope you throw up first thing in the morning. I hope you crave tofu or eggs benedict.

    I hope that your 48 hour check is a good one, and that your bean decides to bloom.

    stick stick stick.......

     
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
The weirdest thing ever.....
So. Starting the Clomid in a few days right? Not. Took an HPT just to make sure meds are a go and got, yup you guessed it, two pink lines. Two. Pink. Lines. So I guess that means it's positive, right? That's what the little instruction diagram states. Not that I haven't had one or two of those before and they didn't stick. The second one stuck for a good week or two (not that I was counting or anything) before the red tide swept me away so I'm feeling a little weird about this. My darling spouse is feeling strange as well and I don't blame him. We were all ready to go with the drugs and counting on that to get us where we want to go. I'm not sure that disappointed is the right word but there is a certain amount of let down. Like we were leading up to this momentous event and it got canceled as we were getting in the car in our formal attire. Or maybe more like being promised the best sex in the world and having the hottest guy ever start snoring right before the big "O" hits you. So I'm not crushed or anything, because really, how stupid would that be, but the whole thing has a weird feel to it. I guess what's irking my cork is that my plans (well laid and gung-ho as they were) have suddenly changed and because of past events I'm not feeling like getting my hopes up. Or maybe I am and am just refusing to acknowledge that they're floating in the back of my mind. Either way. Something else that's been funny in a stupidly ironic way is that I have a tendency to magnify any and all possible pregnancy symptoms until they are gargantuan and pathetically reaching and now I'm realizing that all these huge glaring symptoms were there and I ignored them because "I had a plan." So not only am I feeling weird but I'm also feeling like the most ignorant, oblivious, narrow-minded dipstick in the state. Usually I talk myself into feeling pregnant. This would be the only time I've ever tried to talk myself out of it. And who the hell does that? Really!? I'm positive it's just me. So here I sit, trying to wrap my mind around a phenomena that I've been trying to wrap my body around for months on end and I'm not being blessed with any epiphanies as to why this is so ungodly abnormal to my poor beleaguered brain. In short, I feel like an idiot. On drugs. Not the kind I was planning to take but the mind-bending ones I enjoyed in college. I don't remember feeling this way the first time and that was a huge surprise. I was trying this time and now it won't compute. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, I'll just ask for some prayers and whatnot sent my way that this one sticks if it was meant to and that the drugs are as wonderful as I was told if this one doesn't stick

Who could ask for more than that?
posted by The Writer 10:22 PM   1 comments
 
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Thursday, September 07, 2006
Just seconds from lift-off...
So only 4 or so days from my first round of Clomid and I must say, I'm a tad nervous. I've not put anything hormone-altering in my system for years and years and I'm not sure what the side-effects may be. Also, it is now obvious (with the aid of those fabulous microscopes) that I really don't ovulate every month, so that has been confirmed. Or at least confirmed to my satisfaction anyway. All in all, excited because I feel that we are now really getting this show on the road and that all the months and months of trying were really just leading up to this (I know, all the eggs in one basket and blah blah...) and yet trepidatious because this is a really big step.

My spouse hasn't been as opinionated as usual about all this which leads me to believe that he is currently embroiled in a similar, if not identical, inner struggle. My guess is that he is nervous because: "what if the Clomid doesn't work?!" and nervous because: "what if it does?!?!" and I can't really say I blame him. I feel a bit of that as well especially because our first child was a surprise and there comes a point when you realize that is no escape, no other option and all the exits have been cut off. Not that we weren't happy about it, but it seems to be one of the surest and most inexorable journeys one can embark on. The journey that ends in essentially the same place no matter how you get there. It reminds me of that saying "there's no such thing as 'A Little Pregnant'" and how you either are or you're not. No two ways about it. I think it's because you can feel in control of the situation to a point but eventually you realize that you are merely a passenger on this train and there is no getting off until the conductor says so. Or the fat lady sings or whatever your preferred metaphor may be. Especially with pregnancy, your entire sense of self is altered without your permission, your figure is forever changed, the wardrobe sorta sucks and you instantly lose half your brain cells.

Progesterone's a bitch that way.

So, I guess what is going through our minds at the moment is probably normal, I'm sure it is. But a little reassurance from all you lovely ladies in blogland wouldn't be amiss. I'm sure you gals have either had some experience with fertility treatments and/or pregnancy and childbirth/rearing so let me know your thoughts on the subject.

Unless they're grim and depressing, then just hit the "Next Blog" button and thanks for stopping by.

;-D
posted by The Writer 10:52 PM   1 comments
 
1 Comments:
  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    You'll be fine! This is one big step in the right direction, and I'm crossing all sorts of body parts that SOON! SOON! you get those 2 pink lines and they stick around for a good 40 weeks.

     
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