Anyone for Seconds?

Secondary Infertility is the name of the game. Who wants to play? A TTC blog of internal torture.



Monday, October 30, 2006
Just a reminder....
I'll update after my appointment as soon as I can after the Halloween merriment. I may not have a huge amount of time but I promise not to shine you all on, I will post the ridiculous crap I'm told at the quack's office so you all can enjoy!
posted by The Writer 10:08 PM   0 comments
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Monday, October 23, 2006
The trade-off
So, does it make me a fickle creature if I am currently more occupied with getting a new car than I am with ttc? It is my current state of mind. My car has ceased to purr like a kitten and has instead started to cough and sputter more than a democrat politician caught with his pants down. I'm thinking transmission issues, but I'm no expert. My husband thinks transmission and he's no expert either. Either way a newer vehicle needs to be on our horizon sooner rather than later I'm thinking. Oddly enough, this makes me one of several friends who are currently experiencing technical difficulties with their vehicles. Friends both online and not. I'm wondering if cars are fickle creatures that respond to changing seasons with depression and a sudden lack of energy like some humans I know. It wouldn't surprise me, the stupid contraptions are one of the banes of my existence. And I have many, human and non.

On another note, I've been summoned by the icky doctor's office to an appointment at the end of the month. Out of some perverse sense of who-knows-what I agreed to show up. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe to avoid the hassle of an initial visit with some new doctor who could prove to be just as sedentary and parochial as the last, or maybe because I'm a perversely curious idiot and I want to see just what new lows this one can sink to.

Yeah, I'm strange, I know.

You never know, though. They could do the exam and tell me something ridiculous and off-the-wall and so utterly outrageous that it will be pure joy repeating it to all my friends. I just love indignant commiseration. Lots of "can you believe it???" and "the nerve!!" and all that, oh it just gives me such a glow of anticipation I'm almost hoping that the morons in that office won't let me down! Perhaps they'll even pronounce their idiocy while my feet are in the stirrups. Something absurd and stupid like: "well, you definitely had a miscarriage." Thanks for sharing Captain Obvious. I couldn't tell by the way everything shrunk and my mood-swings stopped. Plus that copious bleeding that requires one to wear phone book sized pads, that's soooo easy to miss. Honestly, I just can't wait to hear it. If they actually manage to surprise me with the opposite, great, I'll just tell them that a doctor closer to home would be more convenient and please send my medical records over. Maybe that statement will tease something asinine out of them, you never know.

Anyone want to guess at the statements that may grace my ears? If you leave one they repeat I will be happy to confirm it on this blog so you can do the indignant commiserating with me!
posted by The Writer 12:29 AM   3 comments
  • At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ready to commiserate! LOL - sometimes doctors have the most ridiculous things to say. It's as if they are just thinking out loud and must not realize it.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger The Town Criers said…

    How about, "you know what you need? A vacation!" And I'm betting it will be said while the feet are in stirrups and your eyes are on the ceiling. All the better to roll them, my dear.

    I can't even tell you how much I loved this part of what you posted on my blog: "The first time you are diagnosed as such it changes who you are and how you see things for the rest of your life. Those who declassify themselves and say "I guess I didn't have a problem" are lying to themselves and lose any positive benefits gained by the struggle itself. I don't want to be that girl, and I wouldn't want it for anyone else either." Loved it.

  • At 7:09 AM, Blogger The Town Criers said…

    Could not agree more--once infertile, always infertile. My mum always told me that once I had a child, the pain of IF would go away, though not the mindset. The way I viewed the world.

    And at the end of the day, the problem is still there as we try again.


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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Well what can you do?
So, I've decided to temporarily postpone the finding of a new doc until this one finishes with the blood tests she decides she needs to do. I don't know if this is the best idea I've ever had but it seems like it could be worse. I figure if nothing else it will give me the satisfaction of going in there and signing the waivers required to get my medical records transferred to another office. Any thoughts?

BTW, the only other test she seems to need is a final HCG quant and I have zero clue why, they aren't saying.
posted by The Writer 9:37 PM   3 comments
  • At 10:56 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Ugh. QUACK Quack quack quack QUACK!!

    Leave. Fast, before the duck craps on you.

    An HCG at this stage? Really? with no other testing?

  • At 5:24 PM, Blogger LifeIsGood said…

    I agree.... run like the wind bullseye and never look back.

    They are not interested in helping you...find someone who is--NOW!

    Why put it off? I though we were looking to have a new little one sooner not later.....

  • At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow - that's tough. I agree with the 2 previous comments. Run like the wind.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006
Of all the stupid things...
So it looks like all the nastiness is on it's way to clearing up for me. I'm happy about this for a decently ridiculous reason. Or at least, a reason that I didn't expect to be the one I'd be happy about.

I'm horny.

I didn't expect to be. Not that I'm not usually, I am. Kind of a nympho, me. I just didn't expect it to be so soon after the ugliness. The really strange thing? I started having seriously erotic dreams on, like, day 2 of the bleeding. I remember waking up from one and being annoyed in the middle of the night. As I went to the bathroom to pee and change my pad I was thinking "well shit, I can't even do anything about this now." I went back to bed and lay there, staring at the spouse's back for a while trying to figure a way around it. There, of course, wasn't one.

I'm not even trying to jump back on the ttc bandwagon. I think that can wait for a while. I just really want to get some. I miss sex. We weren't really having any while the pregnancy lasted because I didn't want to do anything that I'd feel guilty about later. I hate questioning myself. Maybe I shouldn't have blown my nose. Maybe I shouldn't have peed with quite so much vigor. Maybe I'm losing my freakin' mind. In any case, the drought has been long and arduous and I'm really ready for it to be over. Please God.
posted by The Writer 5:08 PM   3 comments
  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    The drout is over. Grab your umbrella, girl, and let it rain!

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger SaraS-P said…

    Funny how the body can surprise you with sudden desire like that. Hope time flies and you get to vent some of that frustration!

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger ANON-K said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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Friday, October 06, 2006
Well, hell.
We didn't get to keep this one either. I was actually not terribly surprised as it was a suspicion the entire time, hence the psychotic denial post that I'm still kind of giggling about. This one was definitely easier emotionally on all involved and I can only assume it's because it seemed so unlikely to begin with. Naturally I have to deal with putting my closet back to rights but because we only told a few people and then swore them to secrecy in a dark and primal ceremony we didn't have to un-tell on the scale we did last time and that's better for me. I can only hope that it works out next time with the aid of some drugs and a better doctor (I'll get to that in a minute) and that it will feel like a more normal occurrence. The spouse and I have discussed at length how far we want to let all this go and have come to the agreement that we will give it a few more shots. If things keep ending in the same manner we are going to assume that God only meant for us to have one child and go merrily on our way. It isn't reasonable to for us to continue to try if the result is going to be the same. I don't think such a thing is healthy emotionally or physically. Even if we were to develop some sort of immunity to the disappointment I wouldn't continue because I think that such an immunity would diminish us as human beings and demean and trivialize the entire point of the process. I'm of the mind that life is precious in all it's forms and I refuse to buy into the nonsensical idea that life doesn't begin at conception. If it's acceptable for a mommy that wants a baby to consider it a baby from conception than it's ridiculous to term it otherwise when the mommy doesn't want a baby. But that's another topic. Sort of.

My current OB doesn't seem to see a problem with this continuing indefinitely. She is apparently unconcerned about any ill effects this may be having on my psyche, my husband's psyche or our lives in general. She doesn't seem to really care that I'm of the opinion that we should maybe double check things to make sure that our current diagnosis is correct and perhaps exploring the idea that there may be more that we can do. I know that being of the scientific community makes her believe that there should be no attachment formed to any pregnancy that ends before 8 weeks as hey, it's just a blob of tissue, a bunch of cells and so forth, so why even assign an emotional response to it? I can't say that her stance on this pisses me off as I have been on the receiving end of it many times. It just leaves me with a depressing feeling of resignation and a bad taste in my mouth. It leads me to believe that it's not at the top of her priority list to see this with the same importance that I do. Added to that is the annoying feeling that she and her nurse-practitioner think I'm stupid. The reason for that is the ultrasound I had. I was well aware that there would be no little lima bean in there. Again, not stupid. I know what's going on here, I've done this before. I never got a call about the things on my ultrasound, specifically the leftovers of the large cyst and the fluid filling the pelvic cavity. Or the fact that my uterus us crooked in such a way that there is an ovary in the front and one kind of in the back. Such things get my attention. So I left a message for the NP to call me to discuss these things. She left me a message that stated "well, as for the results of your ultrasound, there was no fetus. Sorry for your loss." Click. Well, no kidding Einstein. What about the rest of it? What a dipshit. Sorry, but I can't stand when I get treated like a semi-illiterate teenager on welfare that didn't bother to research my condition. I can read and I know how to find reliable information. Anyway, I've decided to go shopping for a new doctor. I think that this issue is serious enough to warrant a more proactive response so I will search until I find that response. Any criteria my few (but much appreciated) readers may have that will aid me in my search would be fabulous. Hopefully we'll get this licked yet.
posted by The Writer 11:54 AM   1 comments
  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    Ok, had to put this in as it almost made me pee a little, my good friend said in response to my question "where do they find these stupid people?" about the nurses in these offices "do you suppose there's a supid people farm and they release a bunch of them twice a year?"

    Oh I just died laughing!

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Monday, October 02, 2006
Stop the press...
So it looks like this one may not stick after all. After a morning of feeling tired and achy at work I wandered into the bathroom to pee only to find a pinkish smear on the tp. I immediately went home because I've danced to this tune before and if I was going to dance again I wanted to do it in the comfort and privacy of my own home. Not much happened on the way home and when I got there I climbed into bed to read and loaf. I got up to go potty and had a spot before I sat down. Once the bladder was emptied I had much more than a spot. I sighed the sigh of the resigned and got back in the bed with the phone. Called the Dr. and after much yammering in a soft-peddled sort of way it was decided that I will call in the morning to see if I should have them rush my ultrasound and fit me in tomorrow. Based on the amount of cramping going on, it seems moot. The darling spouse came home and has decided to tune out to Star Wars movies which I don't blame him for. I took two 650 milligram tylenol and haven't felt any relief yet. It's unfortunate but I know these are choices I don't get to make. Of course, it makes me sad, but I know that we can get through this. We've done it before. There are moments when I think "I don't deserve another baby anyway, I'm not a good person..." but I didn't last time either and honestly, who really does? Most of the time my thoughts are full of faith and logic and I don't know, just good sense then a purely emotional one rolls in and wipes everything else out for a second. I have to remind myself that my faith is real and right and that it's absolutely worth it and that it's proven itself before and will again. Then I remind myself that it's a process and as such it's going to take time. I don't feel depressed, just sad and disappointed. And annoyed at the setback too. I know that it's not the most reasonable reaction but I want to stamp my foot and look at God and say "don't you realize how long this is taking?" Of course He does and I know His time is always the right time but patience was never my strong suit and I stink at keeping my mouth shut. I can still smile or laugh at funny things and did while reading my e-mail but I know it will take some time before I'm back to my usual sarcastic self and am in full command of my sense of the absurd. But I'll get there eventually, even if I have to eat ice cream thrice daily and make fun of celebrities nonstop. I'm willing to sacrifice for my sense of humor. I'm that dedicated.
posted by The Writer 7:00 PM   2 comments
  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger LifeIsGood said…

    I love ya. I am praying for you. Call me if you need me.
    This sucks dude.

  • At 6:27 AM, Blogger Shana said…

    I am so, so sorry you're facing all this worry and the possibility of another loss.

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Name: Pseudonym-er Home: Where my heart is. You don't wanna know.

Still alive!
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So it's been a while...
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