Anyone for Seconds?

Secondary Infertility is the name of the game. Who wants to play? A TTC blog of internal torture.



Thursday, March 29, 2007
The 17 week appt.
My appointment went well. I have actually gained only a pound but everything is right on schedule size-wise so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. The heartbeat was loud and clear and she didn't have any trouble finding it. I'm cleared to schedule my next ultrasound anytime after April 12th. I'm looking forward to it. Things are going well for me, still feeling good and feeling more flutters in the belly now. Very reassuring, those flutters. I've definitely found a more peaceful place that I hope will continue as this progresses. It feels good to be feeling good, isn't that redundant? Anyway, just a quick update!
posted by The Writer 5:56 PM   1 comments
  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger Amber said…

    I was just about to send you an email asking how you were doing but here it is, an update! I'm happy that you're finding a peaceful place now! Can't wait to hear the results of your ultrasound!

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
According to my bitching buddy's scale I gained a few pounds back that I had previously lost. That makes me feel much better. Because of the losses we've had in the past I tend to be a bit nit-pickier about things that may be signs of trouble. Ever since finding out that I'd lost instead of gained I've been trying to silence the voice in the back of my head that said maybe the baby had died in there and that's why things hadn't been changing as much as I'd expected them to. That maybe this was a sign that this one wasn't going to work out either. I was doing pretty well ignoring it and praying and just trusting that everything is doing what it is supposed to, but having things look more normal (from my skewed point of view) makes me feel safer. Silly, probably but I can't help it. It's really strange to be told I'm pregnant, accept it, and then have to wait to feel that way. I don't feel sick, just tired. I saw the baby on the ultrasound in there moving around but I can't feel it yet. Really, it could not be real and I'd not know it at this point. I'm trying not to be paranoid or maudlin about it, but there have been mornings when I've laid in bed and just begged to be able to feel that little bean move just so I know things are going right. Everyone who has ever told me that it's hard as hell to be pregnant after a loss was right. It really is. There are days that I'm on an even keel all day and don't feel any pressure from my fears at all. Of course there are other days that aren't like that at all. I suppose it could be hormones as well but being aware of that possibility doesn't really make me feel any better. I'm determined to win and not let the stress ruin my enjoyment of this pregnancy and I'm sure that if I don't get the better of this it won't go away when I feel the baby move, it will just move on to something else. I don't want that to happen. I'm just not sure how to make sure it doesn't. I know that God won't do anything that isn't good for us, but I know that sometimes the things he does can be really hard and painful, even when they are good. It's hard to find a good balance and remain open to the excitement and joy without letting in the worry and stress too. The other issue is that I feel guilty with the worry because it makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful. I am very thankful for this pregnancy and how far we have come. Urg. This is all so frustrating! I'm going to stop talking about it now, I don't think it's getting me anywhere and I'm sure you all don't want to hear about it! What fun right? Oy, I should write songs for the Cure.
posted by The Writer 9:28 PM   3 comments
  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger Life Is Good said…

    Being scared is normal. Trust me..I know. Consider it normal and just do everything in your power to not let it engulf you and rob you of your joy.
    This baby is wrapped in the arms of the angels no matter what happens and all signs point to a successful outcome.
    Focus on the good, pray...a lot and you will do just fine.
    As for the nirvana coming out of the have been complaining that most foods are turning your stomach so..I don't know..we'll see on Sunday!

  • At 11:15 AM, Blogger Chetna said…

    Congratulations Franay! Thank you for writing this blog. I found this blog while searching for information on secondary infertility. Your fertility journey sounds like mine. We had no problems conceiving our little miracle daughter 3 years ago. We began TTC last August. I was at my wits end and doc finally said he will do an HSG this month to check for adhesions as I had a c-section with my first period. period. That period never came, I was pregnant - I felt so relieved - after trying for 8 months, we were finally pregnant! Unfortunately I am now in the process of miscarrying the pregnancy. My progesterone was low. Doc said he is not worried about my tubes now b/c I got pregnant. I am very concerned about my progesterone - since I ovulate regularly (or at least did prior to miscarriage) there is no clomid in my future. When did you start the progesterone in this pregnancy? Post ovulation or post BFP? My doc wants to wait to put me on progesterone until I get a BFP. I am concerned that my doc isn't doing everything he can.

    Thank you again for writing this blog - it is good to know somebody else feels (or felt) like I did - and it is inspiring to know you are pregnant!


  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    I'm glad I could help. It's been a long journey full of ups and downs. I started my progesterone after the BFP, and it was a good thing. It really helped things and the side effects were pretty mild. I will say this, if your doctor isn't taking this as seriously as you'd like, get a second opinion. I switched from a family doctor to an OB and that helped, although we still had two miscarriages before things really started moving. I don't think I had too big an issue ovulating, but Clomid does significantly reduce your chances of miscarriage so I was thankful for that as well. Before this pregnancy we were over the two year mark for ttc so we were skeptical that it would ever really work out for us. God has blessed us in this, and I believe he will bless you as well. I won't mouth any platitudes about time, relaxing or anything to that effect because I don't really believe them. I think the best thing is to be really proactive with your healthcare, educate yourself as much as possible and be your own advocate. It sounds like you are off to a great start! Keep me posted!

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Saturday, March 10, 2007
Well hell.
So, apparently I am skinnier than I was during my first pregnancy. I certainly don't remember clothing myself being such a big problem last time. I have lots of maternity clothes, none of them fit, but I have lots. Some of them are so stinking cute I literally can't wait to wear them. Of course who knows when that will be? I am a little over 14 weeks and have yet to gain any weight. I don't fit into my regular pants but I don't really fit into any maternity pants either. Who ever thought that there are people on this planet who wear size small maternity pants? I have size medium and up. I am usually a comfortable medium. Not anymore, apparently. It's a little depressing. I have a little belly, although I'm starting to think that the belly is growing purely on sustinence that is being stolen from my ass. My legs look more toothpicky than before too. I don't get it. I eat regularly. I eat veggies, fruits, breads, candy, pickles and so on and gain not one single pound. Am I doing something wrong? If I can't gain at least a few pounds by my next appointment they are going to be less happy than they were at my first appointment.

Any suggestions?
posted by The Writer 1:54 PM   4 comments
  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Just know that a teenie tiny part of me hates you. Just a little. I mostly love you, weight gain...... and I suppose you'll be back to pre-preg weight 6 weeks after too, huh?
    Go eat a candy bar.

    Oh... and your blinkie made me snicker... you've got V-ABC there!!!

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    The funny thing? That's how it came off the website. You just click on the blinkie you want and it gives you the code. So what's funnier, that some doofus put that on a website to be used by the masses or that I didn't notice it prior to splattering it all over my blog?

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger Life Is Good said…

    Okay so I am getting tired of hearing how do ten times as less as me and you can eat ten times as much as me... yet still weigh ten times less than me!
    SHUT UP! You don't have any problems here!
    Sorry...little jealous temper tantrum...I'm better now...
    Hope all is going better for you...BRAT!

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger Franay said…

    "how do ten times less as me????" Is that English? I've always thought it royally unfair that our weights are not reversed however, I also think it is unfair that your first pregnancy and childbirth experience was wonderful and mine was....well, you were there. I have way more to be jealous of than you do, especially when you look at your fabulous and enviable array of kitchen goodies and may I direct your attention to the "spoiled" post you put up a while back? I just want to be good at this baby thing for once. This could be my last chance. That being could feed me more often and help that little problem!! I never say no to the nirvana that comes out of your kitchen! LOL!

    Brat!!! Right back at ya!

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The ongoing saga.....such as it is.
Well, we are heading full bore towards 14 weeks and doing fine. I am finally off the progesterone (thank God!) and haven't noticed any icky side effects from that. Things must really be pretty self-sufficient in there by now! I've had two ultrasounds now and the first at 9 weeks was a new experience for us since we didn't know we were pregnant with our son until well after 12 weeks. We really got a great look at the heart which set our minds at ease and baby even gave us some really gratifying little wiggles even though arms and legs weren't finished yet. My second was at my first OB appointment and was somewhat impromptu. She was unable to find the heartbeat with the doppler (didn't worry me, it was early days yet) so she pulled the ultrasound machine into the room and did a quick look. She never did manage to get a look at the heart but only because baby didn't stop doing gymnastics the entire time. Of course, baby got a pronouncement of "healthy" simply due to the obvious energy and agility! At this point I'm feeling fine, no real morning sickness at all although I'm still really tired a lot of the time. It occasionally hits me that I'm really pregnant and that in September there will be two children instead of one, and those are strange moments. I get excited, scared, overwhelmed, dizzy and generally feel like I'm having a brief out of body experience. All of this hits me in about half a second and I'm forced to pretend that I'm still listening to whomever is currently giving me advice about dealing with two children. Not that I don't like the advice, a lot of it has been handy. I just completely lose track of almost the entire conversation and am forced to peice together and guess to figure out what we are talking about. I've also never had more brain farts per 10 minute period. I think of something that my mind has apparently been searching for and I'm momentarily ecstatic that I've found the lost peice of information only to have it flit away leaving me baffled as to whatever I was trying to communicate when I blurted out "I've got to tell you something!" That part is really annoying. I got to wondering, what would happen if after the baby is born my brain suddenly found all those bits of knowledge? That would be months of things I forgot and they would just come spewing out of my mouth in one big mess. It would all be seriously out of date, context and relevance. How funny would that be?!?! It makes me giggle. Anyway, that tiredness is kicking in now so I'm off to bed. I'll try to come back and update with whatever I forgot in this post that I wanted to write about.
posted by The Writer 10:27 PM   0 comments
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Name: Pseudonym-er Home: Where my heart is. You don't wanna know.

Still alive!
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