Anyone for Seconds?

Secondary Infertility is the name of the game. Who wants to play? A TTC blog of internal torture.

 

 

 
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Ug. But my computer works again, so that's good.
Thanks for the soothing comments on the name thing, it continues to be a lukewarm process. Lincoln is where we are still lingering, so that very well may be it. I'm okay with that, although I still don't feel in love with any names so far. I hit 28 weeks today and I have to say, I feel shitty. I have had this sudden onset of severe heartburn/acid reflux that is nasty. I've given up on the Tums (stupid, weak-ass chalk tablets) and went instead for the Tagamet that I found in the medicine cabinet. It's holding back the beast, but just barely. I can feel that evil stomach acid trying to burn it's way up to my tonsils and I am so annoyed with the sensation I could spit fire. Maybe literally. I still have major pain in my hips and today I actually broke down and ran for the Tylenol so I could finish the day at work. All in all, fairly miserable. It's not a constant sort of misery, it's in small, severe doses. I think that may be worse than the constant, low-level misery I remember having in the month or so before my five-year-old was born because when I'm not completely miserable I'm living in fear of the next dose of it. At least with the constant stuff I could get used to it, come to terms with it and learn to ignore it to a certain extent. With this? Not a chance. This crap makes me freak out and consider the hideous possibility that it may go on indefinitely which in turn makes me fight to swallow acid-filled vomit while hyperventillating. There are moments when I feel great. So great in fact that I almost forget for a little while that I am even pregnant. Those are beautiful moments and I am grateful for them. In some ways I am used to this newly bulbous body and in some ways I am so awkward and (I'm sure) rediculous in it that I must look like the biggest mess in creation. There are days when I feel drop-dead gorgeous and days when I'm sure I resemble a penguin trying to walk off a seizure. I think I'm lucky not to have fallen flat on my face yet. I'll let you know if it happens. I'm not one of those women who finds pregnancy the most fulfilling thing her body can do. I don't really enjoy pregnancy. To me it's just the marathon you run to get where you want to go. I love babies and I can't wait to add this little miracle to my family. I love all the ages in children I have experienced so far and I can't wait to see this one change as he gets older. I think it sucks that I have to go through pregnancy to get there, but I'm sure the purpose of that is both devine and intelligent. I have a friend who not only enjoys pregnancy but labor and delivery as well. She loves those experiences and holds them close to her. She has decided to be a gestational surrogate and while I think this is a wonderful and generous thing, there is a part of me that firmly believes she is completely insane. If I could get babies that are mine without having to do the pregnancy thing (or pay some crazy surrogate lady) I would be all over it. She is agreeing to do the pregnancy thing with NO baby at the end! Freakin' crazy! I want to to the baby thing with no pregnancy. See?! See how sane I am?!?! In any case, yes I'm whining. I know it, and I feel no shame. I think it's unnatural and disturbing that I can have horrid acid reflux and still want to eat half the things in my house. Cravings for all sorts of food that I know would just aggrivate things are whipping through my brain. They are strong cravings, not one of those wussy, lame ones that you can ignore. Luckily, they are for the healthy foods, vegetables and fruit and the new organic (yes, I know I hate organics) cereal I have with little dried apples and 11 grams of fiber per serving. Man, I hate being pregnant.
posted by The Writer 7:39 PM  
 
2 Comments:
  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger Bump Lady said…

    For the sake of full disclosure I never said I WAS completely sane.....

     
  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Hey Douchbag, UPDATE! You have admitted to having a computer back, no excuses! I sit here, day in and day out, refresh refresh refresh...... and nothing.

    You may force me to find others to stalk if you don't kick it up a notch.

     
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