Anyone for Seconds?

Secondary Infertility is the name of the game. Who wants to play? A TTC blog of internal torture.



Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Coming in for a closer look.
So while at the local everything store last night with hubby and son the darling man I married came hustling up to me with a box in his hand. He asked me if I thought I'd like one of these things and I looked at the box. A ferning microscope. Off the clearance rack for five dollars. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided it couldn't hurt, especially considering that it was only five dollars. Maybe it would make the charting fun easier to interpret, who knows? So I added it to the cart. Upon returning home I decided to try it and read the instructions, sort of. I put the saliva on the lens and wandered off. I had read the part where it said that it would take ten minutes to dry. Probably 20 minutes later I came back, put the lid on (which houses the magnifier) and had a look. What did I see? Not a damn thing. I thought, what a crock! Good thing I only paid five dollars for the stupid thing.

Then I glanced over at the instruction sheet (complete with handy-dandy diagrams and drawings) and noted that one must then turn the magnifier to focus it.

Oh, riiiiight.

So turn the silly thing I did. Guess what? The damn thing works. And, it tells you how to interpret the ferning so I guess it will make everything a little less complicated. I had always (for whatever strange reason) decided that they were stupid and a waste of money. Most websites I'd seen them on were selling them for 30 dollars or thereabouts so I guess I just needed to see one for 5 dollars to think it may have some validity.

I'll let you know how it goes, I should be ovulating in the next week so I'll tell you if things look like they're supposed to.

Won't that be fun?
posted by The Writer 9:32 AM   2 comments
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Saturday, August 19, 2006
The epidemic.
Have you ever noticed the frantic fever pregnancy causes these days? I'm amazed by the barrage of shows, articles and photos constantly pelting the average American involving that most delicate of conditions. It's as though the original feminist ideas of becoming a professional in the jobs men dominated is still a groovy idea, but only if you can have a bunch of babies too.

I'm neither for or against doing one or the other. Or both, if that's what your heart tells you. I both enjoy my job and my son. I enjoy working and I enjoyed the time I had at home with him. One of my girlfriends homeschools her 5 children and while I think that she's either insane or glutton for punishment, I envy her for not only loving her children but wanting to spend all day with them 7 days a week.

I did not personally want to spend the rest of my life at home with my son. It became apparent to us rather quickly that he would not get the kind of stimulation at home that he could receive at a daycare. Almost as soon as we began taking him he was a happier kid. That first week or two it sucked eggs all around because I felt that I was the world's worst mother abandoning him at the mercy of a bunch of selfish, grubby-handed monsters and an adult who could never love and comfort him the way I do and he pretty much just wanted to go with me. I didn't realize that I was starved for adult interaction until that first day at work. I had no idea what television shows or movies they were talking about nor did I have any idea what they were talking about when that much-loved topic of Hollywood gossip came up. Apparently I had been sucked into the black hole that is a baby. It took me quite a while to catch up but when when I did I found that my hubby and I got along better and we both had more cheerful interaction with our son and he was happier and more comfortable around other people so we didn't feel like we had to stay in the house all the time. We could actually take him places!

So I don't think there's anything wrong with being a working mommy if you are willing to put the extra work into having a strong relationship with your kids. My problem is that the current media onslaught makes it sound like all these famous, successful, hard-working women haven't really fulfilled their destinies until they managed to get knocked up. And if one of them decides that they don't want children she seems to be subject to instant publicity drought. I must admit I do get tired of the constant coverage of who's pregnant and so-and-so's baby and blah blah. I'm sure it wouldn't bother me if I could do it myself, in fact I'm sure it would give me instant camaraderie with these women. But I can't, so it doesn't. What it makes me want to do is set fire to every magazine rack I see and boycott the Discovery Channel for the rest of my natural life.

All I know is that once I start those lovely drugs, I will be joining a huge movement of women who are either TTC, pregnant or mothering and talking about it non-stop on every form of communication known to man. I have no doubt that somewhere in the deepest jungle women are sending smoke signals to each other about the length of their luteal phases or the texture of their cervical mucus. It couldn't just be us civilized peoples, now could it? I have to admit that I feel somewhat displaced in the whole thing because we did have a baby once. It's not initial infertility that I'm dealing with, it's secondary. Everyone seems to think I'm insane because it bothers me. Why shouldn't it? Should initial infertility bother someone less because they can always fall back on adoption? Or because they have been blessed with an otherwise fabulous life? Yes, I'm thankful for my son. Yes, I appreciate him. No, I don't intend to just give up on trying for another child because I'm so thankful and appreciative. I don't see why I should, just as I don't see why anyone else should. I'm something of an anomaly anyway. I've not taken birth control in 15 years, I'm under the age of 30, I'm not overweight, don't seem to have a hormone imbalance, I like to eat vegetables, I'm not too lazy or immoral or filled with road rage. Yet not one single doctor is able to tell us what the hell the problem is. They are really just guessing at this point. Well guess away, I can take it.

I'll just take the drugs and start stockpiling Stoli and Marlboros just in case.
posted by The Writer 11:57 AM   1 comments
  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger Alli said…

    Wow - I have sympathy for you. Our stories are similar. SI is not easy.

    Good luck with your journey into the i/f world! What will your protocol be the first time out?

    It's so frustrating when they tell you that they have no idea what the problem is, and, sadly, that happens often.

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Friday, August 18, 2006
A little intro.
I was unaware when my son was born that he was to be the miracle. The surprise child that would give me a false sense of security, a misconception of gargantuan proportions concerning the ease with which I could become pregnant. I figured that if I could get pregnant the way I did it would just happen when that's what I was shooting for.

Sadly, this has not been the case.

Thus far we've been having unprotected you-know-what for well over a year. We've been temping and charting and OPKing for 10 months. We've had a "chemical pregnancy" or whatever the hell you want to call that nastiness. We've seen the doctors and blah blah blah.

I figure the less said about all that shit, the better.

In any case, we will be embarking on a new course. This course will start on the next cycle, which I imagine will take place in September sometime. I'm not quite finished with this cycle so we'll just have to wait. Oh the waiting. It's killing me.

In September we will start the drugs. The fertility drugs. It will be my first cycle with that nasty-mood-maker Clomid.

I'm only slightly concerned as my hubby has seen me bitchy plenty. My son? He can hide behind daddy. I'm sure I can manage to avoid friends and coworkers enough that they will still talk to me once I'm off the drugs.

If I ever get off the drugs. My plan goes a little like this: Start drugs at lowest dose, try this for a few cycles. If nothing happens go to higher dose for a few cycles. If again, nothing happens, go to a higher dose. If after that nothing happens, become a career alcoholic and start smoking.

With me so far?
posted by The Writer 5:23 PM   1 comments
  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger Mama-Beans said…

    Remember my Darling that Clomid is only OK for 6 cycles. THEN you marlboro and whisky your way into the "big" interventions. But I have faith in your ol' rusty uterus. It'll be full by then!

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