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Tuesday, September 12, 2006
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Floating along in bizarro land...
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So I went for a blood test yesterday at the advice of the OB who saw me during my last little brush with pregnancy and this morning they called me. Pregnant? Yes indeedy. The gave me a number of 61.9 to describe the results of my quantative HCG test. Is that good? It actually kinda is, I guess as at 14 dpo the average amount is about 48 mIU/ml. Of course, all I really care about is that it doubles by tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to deal with all this shock and for some reason I've chosen the boring "if I don't get excited about it and don't discuss it overly it'll stick" philosophy. My adorable spouse came into the bedroom where I was lounging and reading a novel before bed and laid his hand on my belly and said "so, are you excited?" I actually responded with "I'm not going to discuss this" and proceeded to go back to reading my book. He seemed taken aback until I patted the hand he had left on my tummy just before turning the page. He then kissed my hair and, smiling, wandered out of the room to play a game with our wayward son. Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up. What if the number doesn't double? I was a little put out yesterday at that positive test right before we had planned to start the meds. Now I'm somewhat frightened by the idea of another chemical pregnancy and how that would add even more time to the entire process. Is that mercenary? I hope not, yet I can't help but focus somewhat on how frigging long this it taking! I'm tired of playing the charting, BDing, OPking, 2WWing, DPOing CDing, HPTing game. It's a shitty game, worse than Life, or Risk or even scrabble which when played with my mother is a game played without the dimmest hope of even coming within a hundred points of winning. I hate the ideas that have popped into my head during this whole process. Thoughts that I knew then as I know now are silly and stupid and utter nonsense. Thoughts of how every unmarried moron in the world is managing to pop out progeny at an alarming pace but those of us who did things in the correct order are being punished. The list goes on but I'll spare us both. I hate the emotional minefield that spouse and I had to traverse after the last chemical when we had really gotten our hopes up. I hate that we have become, out of necessity, the most secretive people we know. No one knows what is going on in our lives and we are both shitty enough liars that we end up just standing there with nothing to say until the subject changes. I hate that there are moments where I really do feel pregnant and there are moments when I forget that even temporarily that is my new label.
Although, if I can forget something that huge, I must be pregnant.
I'll keep you posted. |
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posted by The Writer
9:10 PM
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Oh, I SO hope your bloated and sick feeling right now. I hope you throw up first thing in the morning. I hope you crave tofu or eggs benedict.
I hope that your 48 hour check is a good one, and that your bean decides to bloom.
stick stick stick.......
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Oh, I SO hope your bloated and sick feeling right now. I hope you throw up first thing in the morning. I hope you crave tofu or eggs benedict.
I hope that your 48 hour check is a good one, and that your bean decides to bloom.
stick stick stick.......