Anyone for Seconds?

Hm.

2011-04-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

John Fox
Circle I Limbo

Deb Guerin
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Jann Bauman
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Westboro Baptist Church
Circle IV Rolling Weights

KKK
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Hitler
Circle VII Burning Sands

James Landers
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Janna Bauman
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Still alive!

2007-09-22T19:28:00.001-07:00

But just barely!

First bottle of breastmilk! We decided to get him familiar with bottles early so he'll get what they're all about when I go back to work. He doesn't have any problem going back and forth between bottle and breast so once a day he has a breastmilk bottle followed by a nice nursing session. It's working well! Next we'll start trying to toss in an ounce of formula a day so he'll be used to digesting it to some degree just in case working and breastfeeding doesn't work out. I'll keep you posted!

Some photos.

2007-09-11T12:38:00.001-07:00

My baby getting some sun.

Cute even when he's sleeping!

With his proud papa!

So it's been a while...

2007-09-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

And in fact, we've crossed the finish line! My son, Lincoln Gabriel was born on August 27th! I had a successful VBAC and we are home and doing great. He is a wonderful nurser and a joy to our family. I don't know if I'll keep this blog going because I don't know if we'll be having any more kids or if we will want to run the infertility gauntlet again. Hard to say at this point. In any case, this is our newest miracle!

And just what exactly do you think has changed?

2007-06-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

So, seriously. I just posted like, 5 days ago. Do you think that perhaps I've given birth? That my ass has suddenly ballooned out like a human rumble seat? Or perhaps that some real-life Daddy Warbucks has died and willed us all his earthly goods? Well ha! None of that happened! Nothing has really changed. It's only Tuesday but I already feel like it's been a long week. I have my glucose test in the morning and a checkup while waiting for the bloodwork to come back. I'm trying to pig out tonight since I know I won't have the opportunity to eat before 9 or 10 tomorrow morning. That's going to be hard. Added to that fact, I've pretty much been consistantly craving healthy food so sucking down the sugar bomb from hell is probably going to take a huge amount of personal fortitude. Hopefully I won't vomit it all back up and have to do it again. I have a pal that is going to tag along to keep me company while I digest said sugar bomb and if she gets to see me disgrace myself by upchucking I'm sure it will add to the novelty of her day. So, update. The belly is still big, it's still hot out, I'm still tired. The little bean is not tired, seemingly ever so I'm even more tired. He's a freak and moves around in there all the time. I'm grateful for the signs of life and health even though I occasionally long for the ability to hand him to his daddy so I can roll over and go back to sleep. Or put him in time-out. I can't wait. Anyway, things are good. The same really. So stop bitching.

Ug. But my computer works again, so that's good.

2007-06-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the soothing comments on the name thing, it continues to be a lukewarm process. Lincoln is where we are still lingering, so that very well may be it. I'm okay with that, although I still don't feel in love with any names so far. I hit 28 weeks today and I have to say, I feel shitty. I have had this sudden onset of severe heartburn/acid reflux that is nasty. I've given up on the Tums (stupid, weak-ass chalk tablets) and went instead for the Tagamet that I found in the medicine cabinet. It's holding back the beast, but just barely. I can feel that evil stomach acid trying to burn it's way up to my tonsils and I am so annoyed with the sensation I could spit fire. Maybe literally. I still have major pain in my hips and today I actually broke down and ran for the Tylenol so I could finish the day at work. All in all, fairly miserable. It's not a constant sort of misery, it's in small, severe doses. I think that may be worse than the constant, low-level misery I remember having in the month or so before my five-year-old was born because when I'm not completely miserable I'm living in fear of the next dose of it. At least with the constant stuff I could get used to it, come to terms with it and learn to ignore it to a certain extent. With this? Not a chance. This crap makes me freak out and consider the hideous possibility that it may go on indefinitely which in turn makes me fight to swallow acid-filled vomit while hyperventillating. There are moments when I feel great. So great in fact that I almost forget for a little while that I am even pregnant. Those are beautiful moments and I am grateful for them. In some ways I am used to this newly bulbous body and in some ways I am so awkward and (I'm sure) rediculous in it that I must look like the biggest mess in creation. There are days when I feel drop-dead gorgeous and days when I'm sure I resemble a penguin trying to walk off a seizure. I think I'm lucky not to have fallen flat on my face yet. I'll let you know if it happens. I'm not one of those women who finds pregnancy the most fulfilling thing her body can do. I don't really enjoy pregnancy. To me it's just the marathon you run to get where you want to go. I love babies and I can't wait to add this little miracle to my family. I love all the ages in children I have experienced so far and I can't wait to see this one change as he gets older. I think it sucks that I have to go through pregnancy to get there, but I'm sure the purpose of that is both devine and intelligent. I have a friend who not only enjoys pregnancy but labor and delivery as well. She loves those experiences and holds them close to her. She has decided to be a gestational surrogate and while I think this is a wonderful and generous thing, there is a part of me that firmly believes she is completely insane. If I could get babies that are mine without having to do the pregnancy thing (or pay some crazy surrogate lady) I would be all over it. She is agreeing to do the pregnancy thing with NO baby at the end! Freakin' crazy! I want to to the baby thing with no pregnancy. See?! See how sane I am?!?! In any case, yes I'm whining. I know it, and I feel no shame. I think it's unnatural and disturbing that I can have horrid acid reflux and still want to eat half the things in my house. Cravings for all sorts of food that I know would just aggrivate things are whipping through my brain. They are strong cravings, not one of those wussy, lame ones that you can ignore. Luckily, they are for the healthy foods, vegetables and fruit and the new organic (yes, I know I hate organics) cereal I have with little dried apples and 11 grams of fiber per serving. Man, I hate being pregnant.

Computer is all messed up!

2007-05-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Trying to view blogs let alone write on one is a major feat. To be fixed soon.

Quick update, Names? Yeah right. First it was Gideon, now it's Lincoln. What will we end up with? A kid with no name if we don't hurry it up.

Really hoping for a vbac, and looking forward to getting it underway as I've never been as big a fan of pregnancy as I am of holding my baby in my arms. Plus, he's kicking the hell out of me.

That's all I have for now, at almost 24 weeks. Things are looking good!

Ha Ha!

2007-04-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's a boy, it's a boy, nanner-nanner-boo-boo!!

Everything looks great!

Last Chance!!!

2007-04-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm putting this everywhere....

Wednesday morning at 9:00 am we go to our ultrasound appointment where we will (hopefully) find out the flavor of our baby. So, this is your last chance to chime in and tell me what you think it will be. Boy? Girl? Vanilla? Cookies N' Cream? A basket of chicken wings? Inquiring minds want to know what you think!!

Tell me!

Nothing interesting. Or cheerful.

2007-04-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

So nothing fun going on with me. Apparently the first trimester was my "easy" time during which I got to feel good and normal and enjoy my full scope of regular activities. Not so much the second. I have, it has been explained to me, pain stemming from the uterous not-so-subtly shoving all my other internal organs out of it's way. I can honestly say that this is one of the most uncomfortable sensations I've ever encountered. It hurts everything from my collar bones to my knees (or thereabouts) and is completely unfazed by Tylenol. It is one of those pains that I can't ignore and go about my daily business. It occasionally upsets my tummy, more occasionally enough to cause my lunch to defect. Occasionally it causes me to have diahrrea. It seems to disrupt everything. This is my second episode of this and I'm hoping it will go away for good soon. The last episode lasted for about 24 hours and I'm hoping this one is on it's way out. It doesn't seem to bother the baby, though and it continues to kick and squirm through the whole thing, thank God. Our ultrasound is next Wednesday and hopefully everything continues to look good in there and maybe we will even be able to see what flavor we are having! I sure hope so!

The 17 week appt.

2007-03-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

My appointment went well. I have actually gained only a pound but everything is right on schedule size-wise so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. The heartbeat was loud and clear and she didn't have any trouble finding it. I'm cleared to schedule my next ultrasound anytime after April 12th. I'm looking forward to it. Things are going well for me, still feeling good and feeling more flutters in the belly now. Very reassuring, those flutters. I've definitely found a more peaceful place that I hope will continue as this progresses. It feels good to be feeling good, isn't that redundant? Anyway, just a quick update!

Yay?

2007-03-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

According to my bitching buddy's scale I gained a few pounds back that I had previously lost. That makes me feel much better. Because of the losses we've had in the past I tend to be a bit nit-pickier about things that may be signs of trouble. Ever since finding out that I'd lost instead of gained I've been trying to silence the voice in the back of my head that said maybe the baby had died in there and that's why things hadn't been changing as much as I'd expected them to. That maybe this was a sign that this one wasn't going to work out either. I was doing pretty well ignoring it and praying and just trusting that everything is doing what it is supposed to, but having things look more normal (from my skewed point of view) makes me feel safer. Silly, probably but I can't help it. It's really strange to be told I'm pregnant, accept it, and then have to wait to feel that way. I don't feel sick, just tired. I saw the baby on the ultrasound in there moving around but I can't feel it yet. Really, it could not be real and I'd not know it at this point. I'm trying not to be paranoid or maudlin about it, but there have been mornings when I've laid in bed and just begged to be able to feel that little bean move just so I know things are going right. Everyone who has ever told me that it's hard as hell to be pregnant after a loss was right. It really is. There are days that I'm on an even keel all day and don't feel any pressure from my fears at all. Of course there are other days that aren't like that at all. I suppose it could be hormones as well but being aware of that possibility doesn't really make me feel any better. I'm determined to win and not let the stress ruin my enjoyment of this pregnancy and I'm sure that if I don't get the better of this it won't go away when I feel the baby move, it will just move on to something else. I don't want that to happen. I'm just not sure how to make sure it doesn't. I know that God won't do anything that isn't good for us, but I know that sometimes the things he does can be really hard and painful, even when they are good. It's hard to find a good balance and remain open to the excitement and joy without letting in the worry and stress too. The other issue is that I feel guilty with the worry because it makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful. I am very thankful for this pregnancy and how far we have come. Urg. This is all so frustrating! I'm going to stop talking about it now, I don't think it's getting me anywhere and I'm sure you all don't want to hear about it! What fun right? Oy, I should write songs for the Cure.

Well hell.

2007-03-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, apparently I am skinnier than I was during my first pregnancy. I certainly don't remember clothing myself being such a big problem last time. I have lots of maternity clothes, none of them fit, but I have lots. Some of them are so stinking cute I literally can't wait to wear them. Of course who knows when that will be? I am a little over 14 weeks and have yet to gain any weight. I don't fit into my regular pants but I don't really fit into any maternity pants either. Who ever thought that there are people on this planet who wear size small maternity pants? I have size medium and up. I am usually a comfortable medium. Not anymore, apparently. It's a little depressing. I have a little belly, although I'm starting to think that the belly is growing purely on sustinence that is being stolen from my ass. My legs look more toothpicky than before too. I don't get it. I eat regularly. I eat veggies, fruits, breads, candy, pickles and so on and gain not one single pound. Am I doing something wrong? If I can't gain at least a few pounds by my next appointment they are going to be less happy than they were at my first appointment.

Any suggestions?

The ongoing saga.....such as it is.

2007-03-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

Well, we are heading full bore towards 14 weeks and doing fine. I am finally off the progesterone (thank God!) and haven't noticed any icky side effects from that. Things must really be pretty self-sufficient in there by now! I've had two ultrasounds now and the first at 9 weeks was a new experience for us since we didn't know we were pregnant with our son until well after 12 weeks. We really got a great look at the heart which set our minds at ease and baby even gave us some really gratifying little wiggles even though arms and legs weren't finished yet. My second was at my first OB appointment and was somewhat impromptu. She was unable to find the heartbeat with the doppler (didn't worry me, it was early days yet) so she pulled the ultrasound machine into the room and did a quick look. She never did manage to get a look at the heart but only because baby didn't stop doing gymnastics the entire time. Of course, baby got a pronouncement of "healthy" simply due to the obvious energy and agility! At this point I'm feeling fine, no real morning sickness at all although I'm still really tired a lot of the time. It occasionally hits me that I'm really pregnant and that in September there will be two children instead of one, and those are strange moments. I get excited, scared, overwhelmed, dizzy and generally feel like I'm having a brief out of body experience. All of this hits me in about half a second and I'm forced to pretend that I'm still listening to whomever is currently giving me advice about dealing with two children. Not that I don't like the advice, a lot of it has been handy. I just completely lose track of almost the entire conversation and am forced to peice together and guess to figure out what we are talking about. I've also never had more brain farts per 10 minute period. I think of something that my mind has apparently been searching for and I'm momentarily ecstatic that I've found the lost peice of information only to have it flit away leaving me baffled as to whatever I was trying to communicate when I blurted out "I've got to tell you something!" That part is really annoying. I got to wondering, what would happen if after the baby is born my brain suddenly found all those bits of knowledge? That would be months of things I forgot and they would just come spewing out of my mouth in one big mess. It would all be seriously out of date, context and relevance. How funny would that be?!?! It makes me giggle. Anyway, that tiredness is kicking in now so I'm off to bed. I'll try to come back and update with whatever I forgot in this post that I wanted to write about.

So, we've been keeping a secret.

2007-02-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

Actually, a big secret. I'm pregnant. Not just pregnant, 12 weeks pregnant. Confirmed via ultrasound. I'm sure you can guess why we decided not to tell anyone till now. We really didn't want to un-tell people again. Well, it looks like we won't have to, thank God! Anyway, just wanted to spill the beans!

The interesting things you learn from the news.

2007-02-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

From a well known news source.....

"Doctors now believe that babies should be given a pacifier at bedtime to reduce the risk of SIDS. Experts believe that the pacifier prevents the baby from sleeping too deeply - a problem with babies prone to SIDS. However, you should not reinsert your babys pacifier if it falls out during sleep, never coat the pacifier with any sweet substance, and dont force a pacifier on your baby if he or she refuses it."

I remember very clearly the ration of poo-poo that I received when I allowed my son (now 5) to use a pacifier. I was told all kinds of malarchy about how I'd never be able to get him off the binky (way easier than I thought) and about how his teeth would be all screwed up (no, him falling repeatedly on his face did that) and other nonsense. I still think the binky is a good idea. It's easier to break a kid of the binky than it is of the thumb because you can take the binky away. My friend's two kids are thumb-suckers and she's used a lot of energy and thought on the issue. Not that her attitude about it isn't healthy, it is. She has just had to deal with more crap about it than I had to about the binky issue. Most of the time I think the binky vs. thumb issue is six of one half dozen of the other. It's the "binkies are evil" issue that annoys me. First off, all children have self-comforting methods. Some are healthy enough, some really aren't. I still think that binkies don't hurt anything. I don't think thumb sucking does either. Second, it's not a bad thing for a baby to see mama as it's own personal pacifier, but for how long? If you are breastfeeding exclusively and into attachment parenting more power to you, but what if you're not? Some of us want to do things by ourselves at some point. Maybe you'd like to go back to work, go out to a movie, shower alone, button your shirt. Maybe your baby is collicy. Maybe you work from home. Maybe (going out on a limb here) you just don't enjoy the incessant sound of your baby howling. I know I didn't.

My point is this, not only do binkies (and thumbs) allow your child to learn that first way to cope with a big, mean world, they are convenient, easily stopped, perfect for sterilization and according to doctors, healthy. Maybe now I'll hear the end of the statements of how evil binkies are.

Hey, don't I know you?

2007-01-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

So.....how is everybody? I'm doing well. School eats up a large amount of my time, as it always does. Interesting classes, really not high in difficult subject matter this term. Did start a yoga class. This, as it turned out, was a very smart idea. I don't mind so much that a lot of the philosophies are directly opposed to my own. It is soooo nice to go to a quiet, mostly dark studio after work where you stretch, relax, breathe deeply and do some really challenging poses. By the time I get done nothing is sore anymore. All the aches and pains from work have melted away into this whole body warmth that is just delicious. Matter of fact, during our cooldown today I actually dozed off. Everything feels that good when we're done. It's really hard to get into gear for my class after that so I think if I take it next term I'll try to make it the last class of the day. I highly reccomend it to anyone who has a physical job or chronic pain of any kind. It also tones while it does all of this wonderful relaxing so I'd have to say it is the most contradictory yet enjoyable workout I've ever done.

So, that's my public service announcement of the day. Hope you've learned something.

Oh, me too me too!

2007-01-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

Lifted this from another blog, thought it looked like fun. Don't be a party pooper and fail to participate!

A-Available or married? Married for 8 years!

B-Best friend? Sister-in-laws count? Hubbies? I have a few....

C-Cake or pie? Um....ew.

D-Drink of choice? Coffee!!

E-Essential item? The CD player in my car.

F-Favorite color? No idea. Blue, pink, purple, green, etc.

G-Gummi bears or Worms? If you insist. Can I get sprinkles on that?

H-Hometown? Silver City, NM.

I-Indulgence? The occasional white chocolate mocha.

J-January or February? January, month of my b-day, my son's and my mom's!

K-Kids and names? Just the Corb-ster.

L-Life is incomplete without? So many people I wouldn't know where to start!

M-Marriage date? October 24, 1998.

N-Number of siblings? 2 stinky brothers.

O-Oranges or apples? Yes! And bananas and mangos and pears and pineapples and.....

P-Phobias or fears? I really don't like foot bridges.

Q-Favorite quote? Quando omni flunkus moritatus. (When in doubt, play dead)

R-Reason to smile? I have a great hubby and son, great friends and a great life!

S-Season? Autumn!

T-Tag three people? Jenn, Sorry one is the best I'm gonna try to do!

U-Unknown fact about me? I've always kinda enjoyed eating powdered milk.

V-Vegetable you hate? Brussels sprouts.

W-Worst habit? I'm quite the snacker.

Y-Your favorite food? Damn near all of it!

Z-Zodiac? Capricorn!

So, little question...

2007-01-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

I have a little question for you all. You could call it a poll if you wish.

Would you get the vaccine for HPV? Would you take your daughters to get it?

Why or why not?

The Test...

2006-12-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

Check this out, it's cool! Do one of your own and I'll come see it if you leave me a comment that you have posted your results.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|	16%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Avoidant	\|\|	10%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Peter pan complex	\|\|	10%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Histrionic	\|\|	10%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

Now that the party's over.

2006-12-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

So Christmas came, Christmas went. I enjoyed myself immensely, especially watching my son's overly dramatic responses to all the gifts he got. Nobody can gasp with utter joy and surprise quite like a 4-year-old. He unfortunately received several toys that make enough noise to bring on a serious headache or shatter the eardrums, depending on how close you happen to be standing when he turns them on. He is also exceptionally offended when I suggest that the perfect place to play with those toys might be his room. Luckily he also received some toys that make no noise whatsoever and I have no problem with him making use of them in the common rooms of the house. He got some art supplies, a puzzle, a board game, a book and some action figures that he very much wanted but seems slightly unsure how to make use of. My hubby was the happy recipient of things from the Oregon Duck store (from me) and is now the proud owner of the biggest window stickers I have ever seen. I also got him some games that he's been exploring. I was ecstatic to get a new set of stainless steel cookware that can withstand oven temperatures to 400 degrees. My darling hubby was nice enough to get me things from Victoria's Secret that I not only actually wanted but can use! Bras and undies that are actually meant to be worn under clothes! Granted, they are still very pretty and all that but their main purpose is real use instead of 15 minutes of wear followed by a stint on the bedroom floor. One of my very best friends gave me a large basket full of gourmet foods. Included are a bottle of wine and a Tortuga rum cake. I've never had a rum cake but I like cake and I love rum so I imagine I won't have to force it down. ***********************************************************************************
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Considering that we've had a few days off I've indulged in something I never get to do. Not a lot of indulgence, just a little because we still have other things to do. I've actually gotten to watch a little TV. Apparently I'm a little out of the loop because several entertaining shows I had never even heard of. Some reality shows actually had my mouth dropping open. There was one where the mom of several small kids was basically allowing them to run the house. She would be trying to pull one of the kid's hands away from a cabinet full of things they were not supposed to touch and this little turd was smacking the crap out of his mother to get what he wanted. The mom never raised her voice or lost her temper but she also said nothing more than "no, no, you can't touch that." This obviously had zero effect on the child and he eventually got frustrated and added kicking and screaming to his offenses against mommy. I actually got pissed enough that I had to change the channel. I understand that there are lots of ways to discipline your children but in order for them to work, you have to actually implement them. I'm not a fan of all the methods, I prefer to spank just like my parents did. The nice thing about this method is that once you've established that you will indeed spank if needed you don't have to do it very often. Now I can give my son options. "You can either go get in bed or I can spank you and then you can go get in bed. What's it gonna be?" This works very, very well. He opts to get into bed and I don't have to spank him. Thank God, because I enjoy it probably about as much as he does. However I still had to show him in the beginning that I meant what I said and could, and would, back it up with a hiding. These days we have pleasant behavior from him the vast majority of the time. Of course, there are several things that earn him a spanking the very second he does them but these are things that he already knows full well not to do and what punishment they earn. We still talk to him after the deed is done and reinforce why he cannot do these things. If the misbehavior is new then he only gets the talk and not the spanking. I would never spank him for something he didn't know was a big no-no. Beyond the spanking he still gets things taken away or is sent to his room for the more minor things and he still gets lots of reminders on what things he should not be doing if he doesn't want to get a spanking. Lots of weeks pass without a single spanking. He also avoids time-outs at daycare 99% of the time and I very rarely get a bad report from anyone who watches him. My conclusion? Spanking works. After a while spanking becomes nigh unnecessary and the idea of the spanking helps the child to make good decisions based on consequences, which is good considering that that is precisely how life works. Ok, that's the end of my spiel. ************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************

On yet another subject, nothing much happening in me-land. Lots of cramps, but it's still a tad early to expect AF to show herself. I'm tired, but that's normal for me and my temps are pretty much back to baseline. So, still expecting the witch and the kickoff of my next round of Clomid. That's ok with me because I know for a fact that I ovulated so this stuff works. That, to me, is a triumph no matter what. My spirits are up, I'm feeling decently contented with the current situation, and I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. The only thing on my mind is being stuck between really wanting to get pregnant and really not wanting to deal with the fear of another miscarriage, let alone the miscarriage itself. Rock and a hard place, baby! I should be used to this by now, don't you think?

Here we go a-charting...

2006-12-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

So anyway, 8 dpo with temps in the 99s and zero symptoms if you don't count the giggles and the urge to drink beers. Haven't been paying the attention I have in the past by any means, but I'm still a little hopeful. I'm not sure when I will test at this point or if I will actually wait to see if AF shows, one thing I am sure of though. I will not be telling anyone, probably not even my hubby if I get the coveted BFP. I don't want to un-tell anyone this time, or ever again if I can help it. I never decided how long I would wait, but at least past the 8 week mark. That is, of course, IF I ever get there at all. Either way, I'm definitely going to keep things on the down-low until I have something a bit more permanent to say. For now, I'm only planning to enjoy Christmas and the extra time away from work. I may even indulge in a couple of those beers! ;P

Merry Christmas!

Updating dutifully...

2006-12-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

So my round has come and gone. Currently 4 dpo and it is quite obvious that I did indeed ovulate. Feeling fine, normal really and just waiting to see what will happen next. It is evident to me that nothing will really be different for days so I'm just going about my business as usual. I've been busy enough to not make a huge issue of it and I think my forgetfulness concerning my blog is a indicator of that. Anyway, I'll get back on here when something actually changes or at the beginning of the next cycle.

By the way.....Merry Christmas everyone!!

Today is the day...

2006-12-03T00:33:00.000-08:00

Yup this is it. I have taken the pills. I am not dead, nor do I feel like I am dying. This medication has some hype, both good and bad, surrounding it and I must admit, it made me probably more apprehensive than I should have been. Now that I have actually taken the leap, I almost feel a bit let down that my hair didn't all fall out or my bowels become watery. Not that I feel true disappointment, mind you, just a lack of excitement that I didn't see coming. Strange, I suppose. Not that I wanted baldness or watery bowels. I just figured that something evil would happen to me, partially because of the hype and partially because I'm doing something about the problem instead of letting God take care of it for me. I'm not sure that's smart, but who knows? I may be part Catholic after all, with that guilty point of view hanging over my shoulder. Either way, I'm proceeding cautiously, with the understanding that I can decide to stop whenever and my OB will explore other options with me. Plus, she's keeping in pretty close contact with me so that helps my comfort level quite a bit. *Sigh.* I'm going to go to sleep, hopefully I'll still feel good tomorrow.

AAAAAAAAK!!!!!

2006-12-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Day two!!! Day two!!! Tomorrow we start!!! *SCREECH*

(Freaking out a little.......sorry!)

Oh boy, my stomach is pitching!

2006-11-30T17:42:00.000-08:00

Today is day 1.

Wow!

How do you deal with it?

2006-11-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

So here I am, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Aunt Flo in early December when I come down with something that feels suspiciously like strep throat. I know that I will have to do some sort of course of antibiotics, most likely Penicillin, but I am hoping they can be persuaded to give me a fat shot in the ass instead of a week's worth of pills. I hate to swallow antibiotics. They don't get along well with my stomach and they make me feel icky. Plus, there is that huge downside to having to remember to take them everyday, which I am sadly terrible at. I'm not sure if the antibiotics will have a large effect on the next cycle or not, and of course I can't ask as everyone is on holiday at the moment. I figure one does what one must and so I will pursue whatever course of treatment they recommend as I would rather screw up a cycle than have strep turn into something else.

*Sigh* This is still taking forever, though.

Can you say boring?

2006-11-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Not much going on here. Faithfully taking the pre-meds to get ready for the real meds that start in December. My doc has been in pretty constant contact about all the things I didn't think she'd be diligent about. Lots of tests, lots of talking. Honestly, becoming eye-rollingly bored with it. Not the hoped-for end result, just the process we have to endure to get there. I'll be having a nice, polite conversation about it on the phone and my brain will randomly throw out some impatient phrase like "oh this is such utter horseshit!" or "yeah, yeah, yeah just get on with it already!" I'm not feeling hostile or anything, just annoyed that this is such a freakin' fiasco. A fiasco that progresses at a snail's pace. If the snail suffered from partial paralysis and narcolepsy. And had recently been taking Thorazine. And a couple shots of Jack Daniels. And a little marijuana. And was sleepy from staying up too late the night before watching I Dream of Genie reruns. And was seriously lazy and suffered from a sense of entitlement and that removed all motivation and made him think that the world owes him a favor. Notice the snail is male? Anyway, that is the only update that I can offer you. I'm eating more yams and sweet potatoes, partially because of the fertility rumors and partially because they are so damn good for you. Drinking water when it doesn't seem too likely to dilute the caffeine in my bloodstream, because hey, I'm somewhat lacking in motivation lately myself and could use the help. Reading lots, because it seems to keep my brain afloat. Spending lots of time with my hubby and son because it keeps me smiling.

Hope you all are having lots of smiles too!

Shocker here...

2006-11-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

You'll never guess who came to visit me! My great Aunt Flo!! Yay, I missed her in a self-torturing kind of way and take her presence as proof that all my plumbing is in good working order with no clogged pipes or unsightly calcium build-up. Plus, I gotta tell ya, I'm dragging ass. I'm supposed to be collecting medical records for this doc because she wants to see what other tests I may have had in the past. I'm not being terribly prompt about this. Of course, while those other offices are open, I'm at work. Working. And, it's been a busy week already as people are calling in sick. Three today with 2 more so ill that one had no voice and the other spent the day with a tissue perpetually stuck to his schnoz. We'll see what the attendance looks like tomorrow. Either way, I keep picking on myself to get this done but when I remember with that urgency you get when you forgot something it is always after 5 p.m. and the next thing on the agenda is cooking dinner. I'll get to it eventually. But in the meantime, yay Aunt Flo!!

The update we've all been waiting for...

2006-11-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah, not so much. No stupidity to speak of, just some forward thinking lingo and some tests to rule out a few things and then, the overload of medications. She's definitely not screwing around anymore, although I think it's a drag that we had to do the miscarriage thing more than once to get the response that we wanted. At this point it's a bit anticlimactic. Not the reaction that I expected from myself, but hell, who knows with me anymore? I also am apparently not going to get a visit from my dear Aunt Flo this month, and boy do I miss her. My HCG has finally gone down to nothing so apparently Auntie dear is punishing me for all the shit-talking and bitching I do about her on a monthly basis under normal conditions. Damn her for the cold-hearted, fickle hooker that she is. Oops, I mean I sure do miss my benevolent, usually-timely, only slightly messy Auntie. Yeah, that's what I said. Right? (Back me up, ya'll are supposed to be my bee-atches dammit.) In any case, I'm not sure why a single doctor's appt should make me feel nothing but a dragging weariness, but I'm definitely tired. Not a normal tired, something entirely different that involves some insomnia and a serious desire to stop getting out of bed in the morning. So far I've been combating that by simultaneously singing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and doing "The Carlton" and that seems to help. Very few things can beat blatant absurdity. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do next, as far as things I'm going to actively pursue, at the moment I'm just going with the flow. We'll see where that takes me.

Just a reminder....

2006-10-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'll update after my appointment as soon as I can after the Halloween merriment. I may not have a huge amount of time but I promise not to shine you all on, I will post the ridiculous crap I'm told at the quack's office so you all can enjoy!

The trade-off

2006-10-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

So, does it make me a fickle creature if I am currently more occupied with getting a new car than I am with ttc? It is my current state of mind. My car has ceased to purr like a kitten and has instead started to cough and sputter more than a democrat politician caught with his pants down. I'm thinking transmission issues, but I'm no expert. My husband thinks transmission and he's no expert either. Either way a newer vehicle needs to be on our horizon sooner rather than later I'm thinking. Oddly enough, this makes me one of several friends who are currently experiencing technical difficulties with their vehicles. Friends both online and not. I'm wondering if cars are fickle creatures that respond to changing seasons with depression and a sudden lack of energy like some humans I know. It wouldn't surprise me, the stupid contraptions are one of the banes of my existence. And I have many, human and non.

On another note, I've been summoned by the icky doctor's office to an appointment at the end of the month. Out of some perverse sense of who-knows-what I agreed to show up. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe to avoid the hassle of an initial visit with some new doctor who could prove to be just as sedentary and parochial as the last, or maybe because I'm a perversely curious idiot and I want to see just what new lows this one can sink to.

Yeah, I'm strange, I know.

You never know, though. They could do the exam and tell me something ridiculous and off-the-wall and so utterly outrageous that it will be pure joy repeating it to all my friends. I just love indignant commiseration. Lots of "can you believe it???" and "the nerve!!" and all that, oh it just gives me such a glow of anticipation I'm almost hoping that the morons in that office won't let me down! Perhaps they'll even pronounce their idiocy while my feet are in the stirrups. Something absurd and stupid like: "well, you definitely had a miscarriage." Thanks for sharing Captain Obvious. I couldn't tell by the way everything shrunk and my mood-swings stopped. Plus that copious bleeding that requires one to wear phone book sized pads, that's soooo easy to miss. Honestly, I just can't wait to hear it. If they actually manage to surprise me with the opposite, great, I'll just tell them that a doctor closer to home would be more convenient and please send my medical records over. Maybe that statement will tease something asinine out of them, you never know.

Anyone want to guess at the statements that may grace my ears? If you leave one they repeat I will be happy to confirm it on this blog so you can do the indignant commiserating with me!

Well what can you do?

2006-10-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to temporarily postpone the finding of a new doc until this one finishes with the blood tests she decides she needs to do. I don't know if this is the best idea I've ever had but it seems like it could be worse. I figure if nothing else it will give me the satisfaction of going in there and signing the waivers required to get my medical records transferred to another office. Any thoughts?

BTW, the only other test she seems to need is a final HCG quant and I have zero clue why, they aren't saying.

Of all the stupid things...

2006-10-07T17:08:00.000-07:00

So it looks like all the nastiness is on it's way to clearing up for me. I'm happy about this for a decently ridiculous reason. Or at least, a reason that I didn't expect to be the one I'd be happy about.

I'm horny.

I didn't expect to be. Not that I'm not usually, I am. Kind of a nympho, me. I just didn't expect it to be so soon after the ugliness. The really strange thing? I started having seriously erotic dreams on, like, day 2 of the bleeding. I remember waking up from one and being annoyed in the middle of the night. As I went to the bathroom to pee and change my pad I was thinking "well shit, I can't even do anything about this now." I went back to bed and lay there, staring at the spouse's back for a while trying to figure a way around it. There, of course, wasn't one.

I'm not even trying to jump back on the ttc bandwagon. I think that can wait for a while. I just really want to get some. I miss sex. We weren't really having any while the pregnancy lasted because I didn't want to do anything that I'd feel guilty about later. I hate questioning myself. Maybe I shouldn't have blown my nose. Maybe I shouldn't have peed with quite so much vigor. Maybe I'm losing my freakin' mind. In any case, the drought has been long and arduous and I'm really ready for it to be over. Please God.

Well, hell.

2006-10-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

We didn't get to keep this one either. I was actually not terribly surprised as it was a suspicion the entire time, hence the psychotic denial post that I'm still kind of giggling about. This one was definitely easier emotionally on all involved and I can only assume it's because it seemed so unlikely to begin with. Naturally I have to deal with putting my closet back to rights but because we only told a few people and then swore them to secrecy in a dark and primal ceremony we didn't have to un-tell on the scale we did last time and that's better for me. I can only hope that it works out next time with the aid of some drugs and a better doctor (I'll get to that in a minute) and that it will feel like a more normal occurrence. The spouse and I have discussed at length how far we want to let all this go and have come to the agreement that we will give it a few more shots. If things keep ending in the same manner we are going to assume that God only meant for us to have one child and go merrily on our way. It isn't reasonable to for us to continue to try if the result is going to be the same. I don't think such a thing is healthy emotionally or physically. Even if we were to develop some sort of immunity to the disappointment I wouldn't continue because I think that such an immunity would diminish us as human beings and demean and trivialize the entire point of the process. I'm of the mind that life is precious in all it's forms and I refuse to buy into the nonsensical idea that life doesn't begin at conception. If it's acceptable for a mommy that wants a baby to consider it a baby from conception than it's ridiculous to term it otherwise when the mommy doesn't want a baby. But that's another topic. Sort of.

My current OB doesn't seem to see a problem with this continuing indefinitely. She is apparently unconcerned about any ill effects this may be having on my psyche, my husband's psyche or our lives in general. She doesn't seem to really care that I'm of the opinion that we should maybe double check things to make sure that our current diagnosis is correct and perhaps exploring the idea that there may be more that we can do. I know that being of the scientific community makes her believe that there should be no attachment formed to any pregnancy that ends before 8 weeks as hey, it's just a blob of tissue, a bunch of cells and so forth, so why even assign an emotional response to it? I can't say that her stance on this pisses me off as I have been on the receiving end of it many times. It just leaves me with a depressing feeling of resignation and a bad taste in my mouth. It leads me to believe that it's not at the top of her priority list to see this with the same importance that I do. Added to that is the annoying feeling that she and her nurse-practitioner think I'm stupid. The reason for that is the ultrasound I had. I was well aware that there would be no little lima bean in there. Again, not stupid. I know what's going on here, I've done this before. I never got a call about the things on my ultrasound, specifically the leftovers of the large cyst and the fluid filling the pelvic cavity. Or the fact that my uterus us crooked in such a way that there is an ovary in the front and one kind of in the back. Such things get my attention. So I left a message for the NP to call me to discuss these things. She left me a message that stated "well, as for the results of your ultrasound, there was no fetus. Sorry for your loss." Click. Well, no kidding Einstein. What about the rest of it? What a dipshit. Sorry, but I can't stand when I get treated like a semi-illiterate teenager on welfare that didn't bother to research my condition. I can read and I know how to find reliable information. Anyway, I've decided to go shopping for a new doctor. I think that this issue is serious enough to warrant a more proactive response so I will search until I find that response. Any criteria my few (but much appreciated) readers may have that will aid me in my search would be fabulous. Hopefully we'll get this licked yet.

Stop the press...

2006-10-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

So it looks like this one may not stick after all. After a morning of feeling tired and achy at work I wandered into the bathroom to pee only to find a pinkish smear on the tp. I immediately went home because I've danced to this tune before and if I was going to dance again I wanted to do it in the comfort and privacy of my own home. Not much happened on the way home and when I got there I climbed into bed to read and loaf. I got up to go potty and had a spot before I sat down. Once the bladder was emptied I had much more than a spot. I sighed the sigh of the resigned and got back in the bed with the phone. Called the Dr. and after much yammering in a soft-peddled sort of way it was decided that I will call in the morning to see if I should have them rush my ultrasound and fit me in tomorrow. Based on the amount of cramping going on, it seems moot. The darling spouse came home and has decided to tune out to Star Wars movies which I don't blame him for. I took two 650 milligram tylenol and haven't felt any relief yet. It's unfortunate but I know these are choices I don't get to make. Of course, it makes me sad, but I know that we can get through this. We've done it before. There are moments when I think "I don't deserve another baby anyway, I'm not a good person..." but I didn't last time either and honestly, who really does? Most of the time my thoughts are full of faith and logic and I don't know, just good sense then a purely emotional one rolls in and wipes everything else out for a second. I have to remind myself that my faith is real and right and that it's absolutely worth it and that it's proven itself before and will again. Then I remind myself that it's a process and as such it's going to take time. I don't feel depressed, just sad and disappointed. And annoyed at the setback too. I know that it's not the most reasonable reaction but I want to stamp my foot and look at God and say "don't you realize how long this is taking?" Of course He does and I know His time is always the right time but patience was never my strong suit and I stink at keeping my mouth shut. I can still smile or laugh at funny things and did while reading my e-mail but I know it will take some time before I'm back to my usual sarcastic self and am in full command of my sense of the absurd. But I'll get there eventually, even if I have to eat ice cream thrice daily and make fun of celebrities nonstop. I'm willing to sacrifice for my sense of humor. I'm that dedicated.

What to buy, what to spend....

2006-09-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

So I've been browsing on e-bay and other places for things that I no longer posses or never possessed but wouldn't mind owning. One of the things that I desire is a convertible pram. Have you ever seen these things? They are like toy baby carriages. Beautiful and comfy looking. Just the sort of ride I'd want to have if I were an infant with no muscle control. I'm thinking of a bright red one as it's good for both genders or maybe gray, although gray makes me feel like I should be wearing black lipstick and putting a "Nightmare before Christmas" mobile up over the frightening, spindly black crib with gray bedding and a stuffed spider. *Shudder* Just a bit too Tim Burton for me. Anyway, it is possible to find cheaper prams that turn into strollers as that all-important neck control develops but being out of the loop I'm not sure if it is a reasonable desire or just me living in dream land. I also wanted, at one time, a round crib but that has run it's course. Now it's really all about the pram. I haven't gotten any farther than that. Although I do really want a babybjorn. I've seen pictures and they are darn cute. The pictures, anyway.

Just FYI...

2006-09-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound is scheduled for Oct. 4th.

Thought you might like to know.

Dipping a toe in the ocean.

2006-09-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

We are on the verge of getting our feet wet. We have appointments with the ob scheduled for mid and late October. I almost feel that we are jinxing ourselves by even behaving in the most cautious, remote manner as though we are actually pregnant. I know that all previous tests (of several varieties, I know) point towards there actually being a baby on board but I know in my infinite (foolish, ridiculous, pig-headed, marinating in my own denial) wisdom that it would be folly to assume that it were actually true. It seems so much more likely that whatever symptoms I am currently experiencing are due entirely to something I ate and that my pants are getting tighter because I ate a lot of that something that is causing the aforementioned symptoms. If I seem a little more tired than usual it is because I must be experiencing the same sort of growth spurt that my son is and I will eventually be 5'11" and that will make me thinner and I will suddenly have lovely skin and cheek and collar bones you could cut glass with and I will be offered a lucrative contract to give up solid food and traipse drunkenly down a walkway wearing something hideous that costs more than my car. See? I'm completely in control of the situation. If my period shows up I will be able to point rigidly, even frantically, and say "See? I told you all along! I knew that it was just those strangely flavored refried beans we had that time!" Hah! I can't be fooled! I can't be bamboozled! I know exactly what's going on and I won't be taken in by some silly plastic pee-sticks and some so-called "receptionist" in a doctor's office. These paltry tricks are beneath me. I'm too smart for that.

Yeah.

Ok, so I've lost my mind. I've been wavering back and forth between this insanity and a tentative trust that gives me that feeling you get when you've stuck your neck out and you can feel the whoosh of the axe coming your way. I'm having a hard time even knowing what to say when my husband tries to talk to me about it. Luckily most of the time we've been under the same roof in the last week I've been dead asleep. He's been very gentle with me both physically and emotionally which is a bit different from our usual wrestling and sarcastic, giggly repartee. I think he can see the sad, unfortunate insanity in my eyes. Poor thing. He's probably afraid I'll bean him with the coffee pot if he cracks a joke. Ok. I've purged enough. I'm feeling sufficiently calm enough to go for a walk with my son.

Now, where did I put those new maternity pants........?

Up, up and away!

2006-09-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

So my original hcg was 61.9 (I double checked, I think I had it wrong) and when they called yesterday morning it came in at 144! Yay!! They said that is really good and God knows I sure feel pregnant!! The downside to that is of course on our little vacation there happen to be several maternity and whatnot stores and they are freakin' everywhere! I started out preaching caution and my wonderful spouse dragged me into every single one of them. I'm sorry to say that no one had to drag me into the fitting rooms or to the cash register. I'm weak, I know. Anyway, feeling super achy all over, little nauseous, and totally exhausted. I am absolutely ecstatic that I have all these strong symptoms because it means I'm PREGNANT!!! I'm still praying every minute that this one sticks and that God continues to watch over our growing family. So, one day at a time, ladies. That goes for all of us.

Floating along in bizarro land...

2006-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I went for a blood test yesterday at the advice of the OB who saw me during my last little brush with pregnancy and this morning they called me. Pregnant? Yes indeedy. The gave me a number of 61.9 to describe the results of my quantative HCG test. Is that good? It actually kinda is, I guess as at 14 dpo the average amount is about 48 mIU/ml. Of course, all I really care about is that it doubles by tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to deal with all this shock and for some reason I've chosen the boring "if I don't get excited about it and don't discuss it overly it'll stick" philosophy. My adorable spouse came into the bedroom where I was lounging and reading a novel before bed and laid his hand on my belly and said "so, are you excited?" I actually responded with "I'm not going to discuss this" and proceeded to go back to reading my book. He seemed taken aback until I patted the hand he had left on my tummy just before turning the page. He then kissed my hair and, smiling, wandered out of the room to play a game with our wayward son. Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up. What if the number doesn't double? I was a little put out yesterday at that positive test right before we had planned to start the meds. Now I'm somewhat frightened by the idea of another chemical pregnancy and how that would add even more time to the entire process. Is that mercenary? I hope not, yet I can't help but focus somewhat on how frigging long this it taking! I'm tired of playing the charting, BDing, OPking, 2WWing, DPOing CDing, HPTing game. It's a shitty game, worse than Life, or Risk or even scrabble which when played with my mother is a game played without the dimmest hope of even coming within a hundred points of winning. I hate the ideas that have popped into my head during this whole process. Thoughts that I knew then as I know now are silly and stupid and utter nonsense. Thoughts of how every unmarried moron in the world is managing to pop out progeny at an alarming pace but those of us who did things in the correct order are being punished. The list goes on but I'll spare us both. I hate the emotional minefield that spouse and I had to traverse after the last chemical when we had really gotten our hopes up. I hate that we have become, out of necessity, the most secretive people we know. No one knows what is going on in our lives and we are both shitty enough liars that we end up just standing there with nothing to say until the subject changes. I hate that there are moments where I really do feel pregnant and there are moments when I forget that even temporarily that is my new label.

Although, if I can forget something that huge, I must be pregnant.

I'll keep you posted.

The weirdest thing ever.....

2006-09-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

So. Starting the Clomid in a few days right? Not. Took an HPT just to make sure meds are a go and got, yup you guessed it, two pink lines. Two. Pink. Lines. So I guess that means it's positive, right? That's what the little instruction diagram states. Not that I haven't had one or two of those before and they didn't stick. The second one stuck for a good week or two (not that I was counting or anything) before the red tide swept me away so I'm feeling a little weird about this. My darling spouse is feeling strange as well and I don't blame him. We were all ready to go with the drugs and counting on that to get us where we want to go. I'm not sure that disappointed is the right word but there is a certain amount of let down. Like we were leading up to this momentous event and it got canceled as we were getting in the car in our formal attire. Or maybe more like being promised the best sex in the world and having the hottest guy ever start snoring right before the big "O" hits you. So I'm not crushed or anything, because really, how stupid would that be, but the whole thing has a weird feel to it. I guess what's irking my cork is that my plans (well laid and gung-ho as they were) have suddenly changed and because of past events I'm not feeling like getting my hopes up. Or maybe I am and am just refusing to acknowledge that they're floating in the back of my mind. Either way. Something else that's been funny in a stupidly ironic way is that I have a tendency to magnify any and all possible pregnancy symptoms until they are gargantuan and pathetically reaching and now I'm realizing that all these huge glaring symptoms were there and I ignored them because "I had a plan." So not only am I feeling weird but I'm also feeling like the most ignorant, oblivious, narrow-minded dipstick in the state. Usually I talk myself into feeling pregnant. This would be the only time I've ever tried to talk myself out of it. And who the hell does that? Really!? I'm positive it's just me. So here I sit, trying to wrap my mind around a phenomena that I've been trying to wrap my body around for months on end and I'm not being blessed with any epiphanies as to why this is so ungodly abnormal to my poor beleaguered brain. In short, I feel like an idiot. On drugs. Not the kind I was planning to take but the mind-bending ones I enjoyed in college. I don't remember feeling this way the first time and that was a huge surprise. I was trying this time and now it won't compute. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, I'll just ask for some prayers and whatnot sent my way that this one sticks if it was meant to and that the drugs are as wonderful as I was told if this one doesn't stick

Who could ask for more than that?

Just seconds from lift-off...

2006-09-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

So only 4 or so days from my first round of Clomid and I must say, I'm a tad nervous. I've not put anything hormone-altering in my system for years and years and I'm not sure what the side-effects may be. Also, it is now obvious (with the aid of those fabulous microscopes) that I really don't ovulate every month, so that has been confirmed. Or at least confirmed to my satisfaction anyway. All in all, excited because I feel that we are now really getting this show on the road and that all the months and months of trying were really just leading up to this (I know, all the eggs in one basket and blah blah...) and yet trepidatious because this is a really big step.

My spouse hasn't been as opinionated as usual about all this which leads me to believe that he is currently embroiled in a similar, if not identical, inner struggle. My guess is that he is nervous because: "what if the Clomid doesn't work?!" and nervous because: "what if it does?!?!" and I can't really say I blame him. I feel a bit of that as well especially because our first child was a surprise and there comes a point when you realize that is no escape, no other option and all the exits have been cut off. Not that we weren't happy about it, but it seems to be one of the surest and most inexorable journeys one can embark on. The journey that ends in essentially the same place no matter how you get there. It reminds me of that saying "there's no such thing as 'A Little Pregnant'" and how you either are or you're not. No two ways about it. I think it's because you can feel in control of the situation to a point but eventually you realize that you are merely a passenger on this train and there is no getting off until the conductor says so. Or the fat lady sings or whatever your preferred metaphor may be. Especially with pregnancy, your entire sense of self is altered without your permission, your figure is forever changed, the wardrobe sorta sucks and you instantly lose half your brain cells.

Progesterone's a bitch that way.

So, I guess what is going through our minds at the moment is probably normal, I'm sure it is. But a little reassurance from all you lovely ladies in blogland wouldn't be amiss. I'm sure you gals have either had some experience with fertility treatments and/or pregnancy and childbirth/rearing so let me know your thoughts on the subject.

Unless they're grim and depressing, then just hit the "Next Blog" button and thanks for stopping by.

;-D

Coming in for a closer look.

2006-08-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

So while at the local everything store last night with hubby and son the darling man I married came hustling up to me with a box in his hand. He asked me if I thought I'd like one of these things and I looked at the box. A ferning microscope. Off the clearance rack for five dollars. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided it couldn't hurt, especially considering that it was only five dollars. Maybe it would make the charting fun easier to interpret, who knows? So I added it to the cart. Upon returning home I decided to try it and read the instructions, sort of. I put the saliva on the lens and wandered off. I had read the part where it said that it would take ten minutes to dry. Probably 20 minutes later I came back, put the lid on (which houses the magnifier) and had a look. What did I see? Not a damn thing. I thought, what a crock! Good thing I only paid five dollars for the stupid thing.

Then I glanced over at the instruction sheet (complete with handy-dandy diagrams and drawings) and noted that one must then turn the magnifier to focus it.

Oh, riiiiight.

So turn the silly thing I did. Guess what? The damn thing works. And, it tells you how to interpret the ferning so I guess it will make everything a little less complicated. I had always (for whatever strange reason) decided that they were stupid and a waste of money. Most websites I'd seen them on were selling them for 30 dollars or thereabouts so I guess I just needed to see one for 5 dollars to think it may have some validity.

I'll let you know how it goes, I should be ovulating in the next week so I'll tell you if things look like they're supposed to.

Won't that be fun?

The epidemic.

2006-08-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed the frantic fever pregnancy causes these days? I'm amazed by the barrage of shows, articles and photos constantly pelting the average American involving that most delicate of conditions. It's as though the original feminist ideas of becoming a professional in the jobs men dominated is still a groovy idea, but only if you can have a bunch of babies too.

I'm neither for or against doing one or the other. Or both, if that's what your heart tells you. I both enjoy my job and my son. I enjoy working and I enjoyed the time I had at home with him. One of my girlfriends homeschools her 5 children and while I think that she's either insane or glutton for punishment, I envy her for not only loving her children but wanting to spend all day with them 7 days a week.

I did not personally want to spend the rest of my life at home with my son. It became apparent to us rather quickly that he would not get the kind of stimulation at home that he could receive at a daycare. Almost as soon as we began taking him he was a happier kid. That first week or two it sucked eggs all around because I felt that I was the world's worst mother abandoning him at the mercy of a bunch of selfish, grubby-handed monsters and an adult who could never love and comfort him the way I do and he pretty much just wanted to go with me. I didn't realize that I was starved for adult interaction until that first day at work. I had no idea what television shows or movies they were talking about nor did I have any idea what they were talking about when that much-loved topic of Hollywood gossip came up. Apparently I had been sucked into the black hole that is a baby. It took me quite a while to catch up but when when I did I found that my hubby and I got along better and we both had more cheerful interaction with our son and he was happier and more comfortable around other people so we didn't feel like we had to stay in the house all the time. We could actually take him places!

So I don't think there's anything wrong with being a working mommy if you are willing to put the extra work into having a strong relationship with your kids. My problem is that the current media onslaught makes it sound like all these famous, successful, hard-working women haven't really fulfilled their destinies until they managed to get knocked up. And if one of them decides that they don't want children she seems to be subject to instant publicity drought. I must admit I do get tired of the constant coverage of who's pregnant and so-and-so's baby and blah blah. I'm sure it wouldn't bother me if I could do it myself, in fact I'm sure it would give me instant camaraderie with these women. But I can't, so it doesn't. What it makes me want to do is set fire to every magazine rack I see and boycott the Discovery Channel for the rest of my natural life.

All I know is that once I start those lovely drugs, I will be joining a huge movement of women who are either TTC, pregnant or mothering and talking about it non-stop on every form of communication known to man. I have no doubt that somewhere in the deepest jungle women are sending smoke signals to each other about the length of their luteal phases or the texture of their cervical mucus. It couldn't just be us civilized peoples, now could it? I have to admit that I feel somewhat displaced in the whole thing because we did have a baby once. It's not initial infertility that I'm dealing with, it's secondary. Everyone seems to think I'm insane because it bothers me. Why shouldn't it? Should initial infertility bother someone less because they can always fall back on adoption? Or because they have been blessed with an otherwise fabulous life? Yes, I'm thankful for my son. Yes, I appreciate him. No, I don't intend to just give up on trying for another child because I'm so thankful and appreciative. I don't see why I should, just as I don't see why anyone else should. I'm something of an anomaly anyway. I've not taken birth control in 15 years, I'm under the age of 30, I'm not overweight, don't seem to have a hormone imbalance, I like to eat vegetables, I'm not too lazy or immoral or filled with road rage. Yet not one single doctor is able to tell us what the hell the problem is. They are really just guessing at this point. Well guess away, I can take it.

I'll just take the drugs and start stockpiling Stoli and Marlboros just in case.

A little intro.

2006-08-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

I was unaware when my son was born that he was to be the miracle. The surprise child that would give me a false sense of security, a misconception of gargantuan proportions concerning the ease with which I could become pregnant. I figured that if I could get pregnant the way I did it would just happen when that's what I was shooting for.

Sadly, this has not been the case.

Thus far we've been having unprotected you-know-what for well over a year. We've been temping and charting and OPKing for 10 months. We've had a "chemical pregnancy" or whatever the hell you want to call that nastiness. We've seen the doctors and blah blah blah.

I figure the less said about all that shit, the better.

In any case, we will be embarking on a new course. This course will start on the next cycle, which I imagine will take place in September sometime. I'm not quite finished with this cycle so we'll just have to wait. Oh the waiting. It's killing me.

In September we will start the drugs. The fertility drugs. It will be my first cycle with that nasty-mood-maker Clomid.

I'm only slightly concerned as my hubby has seen me bitchy plenty. My son? He can hide behind daddy. I'm sure I can manage to avoid friends and coworkers enough that they will still talk to me once I'm off the drugs.

If I ever get off the drugs. My plan goes a little like this: Start drugs at lowest dose, try this for a few cycles. If nothing happens go to higher dose for a few cycles. If again, nothing happens, go to a higher dose. If after that nothing happens, become a career alcoholic and start smoking.

With me so far?